Monday, October 31. 2005
The world turned gray today. I was thinking last night of the last time I spoke to the heart of the city. It opened up and told me we would go our own separate ways soon. The city opened and gave me this message and it bathed in the twinkling afternoon sunlight, and it was final.

The city speaks to me no more, what to do I cannot know any more.

I saw the spirits in the lights last night. Dancing, waving, calling, carrying me and the world, the entire world, was happy. It was all.

That was yesterday, when the feeling was still all warm and tingly. Mostly warm, like some sunburst of a hangover. The afterglow that my head felt suspended in as it turned from the blank page Id reset it to and slowly came back online. That was it, like Id been through a machine of some kind, that dismantled and did some kind of magic to my brain. It took part of it while it was there, but I dont think Ill miss it.

Everything else I might say is just a clich of some kind. I got to get my head straight, brothers and sisters, but lets just see when I go back, or if I ever do again.

In domestic news, my landlords are arseholes. I dont talk the domestic chat so often, but this is my excuse. They apparently have evidence that my computer is infected, which I know is not possible, but they still take the opportunity to block my access. I am fighting the man on this, but real access is still a few shouting phone calls away.

Wish me luck.

Around the World

Monday, October 17. 2005
Dear Ami,
I know we dont really talk so much, but I think I know why. Weve both been trying really hard and weve both been tired, its funny when I think about it. I was so happy those months ago, when you came back into my life. But can you see that what were doing now is trying to keep that initial euphoria alive, trying to hang onto those bright sparks when we both know that we need a bed of hot coals to keep our love warm.

The spark faded. We didnt start our fire again, as much as we wanted to. Back when we were kids it was natural, the flames as bright as our eyes and as hot as our passion. It was beautiful but those days ended, so suddenly and you were gone, gone from my life leaving nothing but painful memories of happier days. A pile of CDs, a few posters, and the songs that paint images behind my eyelids when I hear them, images that glow as clear today as they did all those years ago.

You went away, I kept going. I had to. I changed in those times between, and I kept you with me, made you a part of my heart. My very soul. What became of you? I wondered, I did, what happened What were you doing? I could think about you then and it didnt hurt, the pain had gone and a warm feeling of youth in the heady days of learning to grow up was what you left me.

Years pass.

You re-appeared. You came back and asked me to give you another chance. No apologies, not a hello, just asking for another chance and then you told me what youd do to me. Youd grown up, too. All grown up, just like me. Except we werent, and the glories of that night will stay with me, with those teenage memories. You did all that you said you would and I wouldnt have cared if you hadnt, because it was you. We were together again and all I needed, all that I ever needed had come back to me. You came back and I want to thank you. We gave it another go. It was delightful.

But we would never recapture the magic of our youth and we should have known it, we should have known it then. We were always going to go right back together when we saw each other but weve changed. The months in between were eventful and even though you told me what you wanted, weve changed. Youre trying a more sophisticated sound, something proven and tested but it doesnt work for me without you. Too much of Ami has been taken away, someone might have told you to play safe but I know that you cant hit all the notes, that sometimes it sounds simplistic and like youre not in control, and most of all the nave was gone. I tried to like you without all of that. Youd grown up and you changed from cute to beautiful and it was still you underneath. But all the smiling grown up photos couldnt distract me from the personality that had gone and the thumping dance club beat youve replaced it with.

Im sorry it didnt work out, Ami. I hope you get everything you want and youre still around making music when were old. Ill never forget where we started out.


Kerouac Cat

"I don't believe it..!"

Monday, October 10. 2005
Please excuse my extended absence. Most of my posts have bypassed the Dragon and gone to a place where morals, manners, and grammar go out the window: Myspace. Click here to have a look. Can't believe I got myself into this nerdy crap. Nonetheless, myspace has been responsible for my band launching, amongst other things.

Thanks to local legends The Kidney Thieves, we played our first gig at the Jubilee hotel (an odd pub that caters for some rough oldies, ekka carnies and metal heads) a few weeks ago. Go here to see some photos (and a little comment from Jason, our drummer).

Despite the ridiculous, crude and immature content of our music, we seem to be building a small but loyal band of followers. People will listen to anything these days...

Appearing one night only

Friday, October 7. 2005
I suppose now is the right time to mention that I'll be in Japan from Tuesday next week, which means that we'll have three-quarters of the Dragon roster all in the one country.

I'll be in Nagoya for most of the time, but I'll be pretty busy which I think will excuse me from doing the right thing and seeing all the people I should. I will have one and a half free days in Tokyo. If you're in the neighbourhood and want to see Kerouac Cat punch me in the eye, email me for a phone number.

Arms reach, set, spike

Monday, October 3. 2005
Round here, we call it Autumn. Lets practice that all together. Autumn. Outstanding.

The last time I was at the bottom of a human pyramid, I was the bottom left hand side and far from the pre-pubescent terrors over in Bancho land, I had my spine crushed by drunken volleyballers. I was at the bottom not because I was valued for my strength and will, both valued at the bottom in the human pyramid construction industry, but because I was adjudged heavy by the Captain.

The Captain.

He had been the Captain for the eight months previous, displacing the previous incumbent in the teams ritual bloodless changeover system. There is no vote, merely a passive agreement reaching consensus via taking the easiest, most pleasing option. Which is to say, he was liked by everyone just enough not to cause any arguments or, god forbid, any of the better players to leave. Thats how democracy worked, your on court skill determines your worth to the team (but, importantly, not to the social group) and therefore how much sway you could impart on proceedings.

My value was little more than encouragement. See, no matter how hard you got blocked out or how pussy your last hit was, a high five from a white boy is pure gold in the realm. I always get tempted to talk up my volley-prowess, but while useless is a strong word I aint going to use it just like the Captain never did, but he never had to put it out there. I was just at a different level to the boys, simple as that. They did a lot for me, all of them, even the girls who were too scared to talk to me even when they were drunk. My game got better and while I wouldnt have been playing in the A-Team had I even been eligible, I might have scraped into C. All things considered, I could hit well hard but at the end of the day, it was the high-five factor that helped that one cross the line.

They all helped me, all except the Captain. He was a tall, man of few words who was blessed with the hard gained ability to belt a volleyball like a cannonball. Just thinking of him, I recall the pain of the bruises he inflicted on my forearms, upper arms, hands, wrists, shoulders and on one memorable occasion, ribcage. I dont think I ever, not once, blocked a spike of his with anymore than a red-hot fingertip. Talented man, respected by all, feared by those who knew.

He was also a dick. He reduced me to the position of PS. Pinch Server. He was the Captain so we did what he said and no-one opened their mouth against him. No-one needed to, but I think a few wanted. I like to think. I understand they had real games to play and my novelty had worn thin, but sitting on the side of the court all night, that hurts more than any spike, more than any serve cannoning into the net, more than the shoulder I damaged irreversibly trying, trying to get better so he might think I was worth something. I wanted to be worth something to the Captain, because he might have been a dick but he was also a good man. Deep down, he was good and motivated to win, something I saw precious little of in competitive sports that time of my life. To be valued by a man like that means you get to fight for him and sometimes, fighting for the best general is something to aspire to.

He was still a dick. These days I want to be the general.

The last time I walked out of the gym having watched three games go by without getting more court time than a few serves I vowed Id never go back. I needed them, I needed the movement and the sweat, I needed the feel of the ball on my hands and arms. I needed to be valued too, so I never went back. That was almost exactly one year ago. Therell be a new Captain now, but Im not going there again. I hope theyre winning, I hope theyre still making those pyramids.

I was a cornerstone once, but that wont be enough.