The Exile Diary

May 6th -- Page One

I hope this transmission gets to you. Its being sent in the hope that one day the events of these forlornly headstrong days might be remembered and recalled by those who were left in the dark by them; but methodology has left us all in the lurch, the word reliable has slipped from this worlds vocabulary and technology has failed, outright, failed us all.

What became of the participants? Did their worries and scurries come to any fruition, did they merely waste the energy supplied by the sun? Its beyond relevance now, their names as forgotten as the times. Still, there is a small pocket of urgency in their story and thats why I send it to you the left behind, so that the gaps may be filled in and you can be complete in ways we could never be.

Sleep. The enemy, because I cant goddamn think when I have to sleep. Also, I dont get enough these days. A mundane fact in a boring life. My left eye droops when the end of the day nears and everyone knows that Ive been ignoring their advice. Sleep is for the weak. That make me weak and I already know that, I tell them, so what? They dont call me so much anymore.

Its all broken up, too, like a chocolate wafer I sat on by accident. Its still got all the properties of what it was, it just doesnt come together and when its done, pieces are fucking everywhere. Pieces of sleep I feel like Im missing pieces of sleep. It makes my head hurt and I get so drowsy on the train, but its good, you know. I feel like Im in a Henry Miller novel. Cut and pasted, neither here nor there and when my brain is on that verge of shutting down, the moments of awake lucid sleep in those moments the world is so beautiful. Nothing can be wrong, or angry, or hurt me. Then some fucker bumps me and suddenly I see the demons behind all their eyes, only for a split second. But I see them. They all have them, they all dont know. But I know, because I dont get any sleep. I am like those demons, they dont need sleep. Sleep is for the weak. I know why they dont call so much anymore, no-one likes to be around a monster.

I moved again. Something of a biannual ritual, this. Only this time nobody could come help me out so all that stuff, all the things that hold living together, I threw it all out. I dismantled my life and bagged it up then left it for the trash man. Took the valuables and posted them home (home, it makes me laugh to hear it) and the essentials and heartbreakers, well, I might forget Im alive if I didnt keep them around. The pain reminds you, I read once, that youre still alive. Who the fuck was that again? Never mind. So I moved. Thats the only activity of worth I see to report here. So I guess the reporting is finished for now. Didnt even need a whole page.

Oh, F left. It was sudden. Shes gone to Germany, she told me, didnt have time to even give me five minutes to say goodbye. Or get an e-mail address. So, goodbye, F, good luck and I might never see you again. Thats a page.

That useless prick. Now I know why I made that promise to never work in an office again. Also, X didnt write again. Why do I bother. I think I need to get rid of this girl, too, but I wont. I never felt so jealous in my life. This Sun Yan Zi song is really fucking good.

Damn, the boss is coming. Fuck

No. It was that guy who looked like the boss. Ding. New e-mail! Shit. More fake Olsen Twin pics. Waste my time Hang about. That Photoshop work, thats really, really I need to go to the toilet. I hope the batteries on this laptop last

[Break in transmission]

May 9th -- Page Two

What a painfully dull couple of days. Absolutely nothing to recommend them to anyone, lest of all me who lived them out. I feel an insult to my existence. Their very mediocrity is their sole point of definition. Mediocrity truly is a constant and that paper I wasted attempting to justify their passing, I apologise to the trees that died.

But what happened today makes all that crap worthwhile.

Digging down here on my own, the daily reminder that the walls dont talk back is so unnecessary as to make it permanent. Some days it get to you more than others and keeping sane through days like this.. What does get me by? All that stuff, all the misses that I think about right when I dont need to, all goes away with a wave of her hand. And then some, since I didnt solicit a goddamn thing. Im so shallow, that this makes it all go away.

Just having a quiet time, getting ready in my head for all the crap that needs doing tomorrow and she waves at me. No one waves at me, not in this city, not in any city, but she did. Wasnt much on, but her friend was something special. What fortune.

I know I even went and told people I was leaving here this month But Ill put it back another few months, maybe that will magically fix all these problems Ive made for myself. Yeah, that should do the trick. Time to call the office and tell them that Ill be in late tomorrow, I need to extend this visa. Whats that? What do you mean, you thought Id never be back? Weird bastards, you think theyd know better by now. Cant think where they might have gotten that impression of me. Ill make him apologise tomorrow, calling me flaky. The cheek. Whatever his name is.

I wonder if the old lady at immigration will remember me? Ive been in there almost every month this year, its about time she did.

May 27th Page Three

I wonder what happened. I found happy and sleazy all at once and stopped writing. That was funky but its morning now and I got to be out of this place by midday, not a pleasant place to be. I still feel like Im short on sleep.

Summer, mathematically, is almost here. Just the rain to keep me down for the time being. Im going to bed.

I got drunk and then drank some tequila. Then I threw up but thats manly so its ok. I might have insulted some people and when I tried to drive I lost my keys in the river. I hope I didnt insult the boss or the bartender, the bartender looks like my boss. I got drunk, did I tell you? I think Ill stay here. Must remember to e-mail everyone and tell them. Ill do it tomorrow.

[The data stream was interrupted by a freak solar storm at this point, followed by a comet hitting the satellite dish. Coincidences.]

June 1st Page Three

Fuc**ng us***ss pric--- wis******h hed just make up his mind and stick with it, just godDAMN***ick with it and st^*^^^^^leading us all on. I bet Im ###########88**** fed up with ## bullshit and I dont want to be------------==============----------got other things to worry about, like cockroaches. Sisters and girls, too, working and sleazy. Its EASY, world of slEASZY. No one knows my pl****ut Jesus*H*Chr****ist I got one and thats m88****ore than required. If you ask some people. What may come of all us? Insignificant, but these are the best days and Ill be sick of the best days and then therell be nothing to come to. Hear that? Good thing Im not talking to you a888****nyway. Fuck this fucking ---

Ill stay. No, Ill go. Ill stay. Go. Stay. Go. Repeat, rinse, warm up and eat it for breakfast. Stay. Go, stay. Go and then stay? Stay here and go later. Stay here later. Yeah, thats i-----*************************************************

End transmission


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